Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
You Might Also Like
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
This is a bad sign
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker