Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I’m not stressed
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.