Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.