Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!