ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.