@vapidaccount: ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts.
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@ehchino: [First date] So what do you do for a living? "I'm a florist" WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT'S LAVA?
@thejayroyal: A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
@BookishBunny: At this point most of the hugs I'm involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.
@Jeff_G_Nixon: GOD: look what I created [points to clouds] ANGEL: what am I lookin at? GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It's up to you! ANGEL: are you high?