Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
bury ourselves
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.