Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
OH. COME. ON.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds