@TheBoydP: Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
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@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
@lisaOoOo: I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
@LeviathanPride: Guys at work are always like "why are your shorts so short?" Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know
@qwertying: Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir? Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?