@TheBoydP: Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
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@simoncholland: [5:45 AM] Daughter: "Daddy can you make me breakfast?" Me: "Can you not reach your Halloween candy?"
@Jaywoo74: Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I'm a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE
@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"
@Mr_Kapowski: "Welcome to Armageddon Welcome to Legageddon Welcome to Quadageddon" Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?