Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
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8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
oppen heimer style lol
This kid will have a bright future.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad