Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you