[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something