My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
sliding into dms like
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
lmfao come on
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.