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14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Welcome to the stomach
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”