Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
You are not alone 💚
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*