PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats