You deplete me
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[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Lmao the reply
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update