[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
You Might Also Like
how was your vacation
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty