Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic