Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better