psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind