them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking