Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
wait.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly