*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”