Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.