Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
You Might Also Like
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”