Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
did it work
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Me trying to reach for my goals
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.