“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.