Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
If snakes were wide
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!