I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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got so much cardio in today
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”