[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
The sacred texts.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock