“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..