[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Sniffing the broccoli
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*