@MrsGoose69: Hubby: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?" Wife: "I don't want to bother you while you are at work."

@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long have you been in pain? Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

@WheelTod: Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living” *2 weeks later [In church] Priest: “We are gathered here today to...” Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

@robdelaney: Can't believe I've already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

@mellimelle: I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don't understand Math.