[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
my name if I was in the mob
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…