@InternetHippo: Using Craigslist can get you murdered, but that’s only one of its many advantages

@HiddenPinky: How'd you get a black eye? Walked into a door. [Later, another shiner] More doors? *nods* One does not simply walk into more doors.

@Brampersandon_: [quickly jumps into the back of a cab] ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

@TenaciousGrace_: Part of me says, "I can't keep drinking like this." While another says "Don't listen to her, she's drunk."

@OleThickHawk: My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.