*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.