*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Straight people are cancelled
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?