When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I saw this ending much differently.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?