*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy