*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Good Morning.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.