*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
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If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
monday
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom