Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me