Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
waiting for halloween be like:
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]