*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”