*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Teach your children to beatbox
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
OH. COME. ON.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea