[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Current mood: Potato
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”