Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors