[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
lmao
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Did I do this right
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.