[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*