*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**