I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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e
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a
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It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.