*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”