[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
me logging onto twitter
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.